disabled and sad

Posted on 20 December 2023

maybe i'll doubt myself one day
maybe I won't
but it will go back to how
it
has
always
been

“a job that slowly kills me” could be all of them
i don’t know
so tired…
i don’t know
i’m quiet
i don’t know
watch it go by… life will go without me
i don’t know

but there’s nothing
nothing
nothing
that helps

you go out
and in
and around
and talk
and are happy
and I’m happy for you
but I’m so jealous (why can you do it and I can’t)
you‘re so lucky
you get to go around and meet friends
while I rest in bed all day
because being awake is tiring
and painful
so painful
it hurts
why does it hurt

i'm trying
trying so fucking hard
but it doesn't work
i feel like i have energy
maybe i got better
but then when I try and do something I need to sleep the whole day
and my sleep is that of a cat
small
tiny
too small

i don't have it
i'm so alone
and my body hurts so much
my heart hurts so much
my head hurts so much
is is really so much to just have some to talk to
or must I cry silently
for ever and ever

you do things
please… for me
i'm always tired in bed
never enough energy to even
leave the house…
i'll go to sleep
and maybe wake up

vi ses senare, käraste